Weighty Options

I'm on this stupid diet. The details are unnecessary, the last thing I want this to turn into is a health and fitness blog because I am not qualified to dispense that kind of advice. What I want to do is bitch about how being careful about what I eat sucks but it is working and I'm both grumpy and proud of myself.

I've always had a strange relationship with my weight and size. When I was a child, I wanted to be a jockey and a gymnast. My stature made both of those dreams impossible, although I did ride horses and do gymnastics for a time.

As I've gotten older, and become more aware of the standard of beauty, two truths have emerged. First: I'm not ever going to look like a model. Second: if you have big boobs, blonde hair, and blue eyes you don't really have to have a modelesque physique to have get a significant amount of male attention. Getting that attention made it easy to ignore my increasing dress size.

I know that it's not politically correct to admit a desire to change your physical appearance to be more universally desireable. And there are plenty of other reasons that I can provide for changing my diet. It's healthier; diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease run in my family. Its better for my joints; my childhood athletic endevors ended after I broke my ankle for the second time and had surgery--I'm kind of a gimp. I can't do any high impact exercise which means I am limited to swimming, walking my dog, or using the elliptical machine at the gym as far as cardio goes. Reducing my weight by 20-25% would ease my daily discomfort in my ankle.

Those reasons are as true as any other, but the thing that helps me choose an apple over a bag of chips is improving my physical appearance.

I'm still totally a feminist guys. Don't freak out.

I think, too, that my current life situation is really frustrating. I have little to no control over most aspects of my life right now. I'm waiting for the economy to change, waiting for the pennies I keep trying to shove in my savings account to amount to something of value, waiting for my life to improve. This is something I can actively do to improve myself. I don't have to wait on anybody else, I can make good choices each day and see the results in how my clothes fit or an actual number changing. Its satisfying and gives me a feeling of momentum. Seeing as I generally feel like I'm treading water, forward movement of any kind is awesome.

So, I'm going to keep it up. Maybe by the time I accomplish this goal I will have developed stronger will power which can only help me attain other goals in my future. Just as soon as I figure out what they are.

Nostalgia Isn't What it Used to Be*

Since leaving the warm and pillowy bosom of the tiny mountain town where I went to college, I've been looking for a similar community in Charlotte, NC.

I realize that Boone, home of Appalachian State University, basically exists in a bubble. Not just any bubble, a Cinderella, “a dream is a wish your heart makes,” bubble, tinged pink and reflecting progressive politics, community gardens, and social consciousness. It was a wonderful place to get an education.

Today I drove out of my way to stop at a gas station near my old house. Their gas prices are usually a few cents higher than a more convenient location, but I always patronize this store. I got gas and headed in to buy a Redbull to get me pumped to sell cell phones all day. I always go in and buy something, even just a diet coke, because I so enjoy the proprietors. Its owned by a middle eastern family. The patriarch is a tiny and ancient seeming man whose beard and hair are the exact same length and color. Its not much more than stubble, a mix of white and grey. He has a scratchy voice and always looks at me disapprovingly if I buy cigarettes. He is usually working with another, younger man, much taller but equally wiry.

A woman, his daughter I believe, works during the day. She looks much younger than her age, and she is pretty, with huge brown eyes, and pink round cheeks. She is always smiling and sighing, making jokes about her children. Her English is perfect, with a charming accent. 

The younger man came into the AT&T store where I work a few weeks ago. He doesn't speak much English, but we recognized each other and both laughed at the role reversal. It felt very strange to see him in a different setting.

At ASU, it was so easy to get involved. Being a student meant that there were endless clubs or groups to join. Taking classes, especially classes in your major, required interaction with other people who shared your interests. There was no excuse to be bored or lazy, and alone time was something to schedule, not the norm.

I frequent a neighborhood watering hole that is part remodeled gas station, part deli, and part back alley for drinking. They have an oddly fantastic wine selection and you can get bottles for sane prices. The staff is an interesting ensemble but all are friendly and more than willing to recommend a great bottle or fancy microbrew. They are a pierced, tattooed bunch, dressed mostly in black, but I don't feel like an outsider, even though I'm a clean slate—my only piercings are in my ears-- and am usually wearing a brightly colored sundress.

I've been feeling lonely lately. I have a few, dear, friends in this town, but its not the same. I am sure that part of my nostalgia has to do with getting older. I turn 27 in a few months. I spend much more time at home with my (absurdly cute) dog, and my (ridiculously adorable) boyfriend. Its not a bad thing, its just different. Its quieter. But its OK. And I'm creating my community in Charlotte, slow and steady. I've got a favorite gas station, bar, coffee shop, breakfast place, park, video store, and I've joined Charlottes chapter of the National Organization for Women.

I feel better just reading that list.

*Lyric from a great song by by Sam Phillips called Taking Pictures. 

Fall Back

Fall is in the air! When I stepped outside with my pup this morning, the chill in the air seemed to give her a burst of energy because she ran the length of the fence at full speed, leaping like a gazelle over obstacles.

It hasn't frosted yet, my garden is still producing tomatoes, but it is autumn in the south, one of my favorite seasons.

Its more bittersweet now that I'm no longer a student. I miss shopping for school supplies and feeling that my empty notebooks are a clean slate and anything is possible for the new school year.

I can still enjoy wearing my favorite sweaters, tights, boots and mini skirts, but I don't have a classroom full of potential friends to impress with my sweet fall fashions.

I still get overly optimistic in the fall, and there is still a lot of wonderful things to enjoy: cuddling is better when its chilly out, cooking butternut squash soup, hot tea in the evenings, walking my dog without the heat, humidity, and mosquito that dominate summer....these are all great things.

I miss that clean slate feeling.

But! I shall channel my bummed, stuck, bitterness over feeling as though I'm treading water, barely able to keep from going backwards let alone move forward, into writing, into the people I care about, and into making my house fall ready.

I try to convince myself that accomplishing small goals while maintaining my responsibilities will lead me to success, and I'm pretty gullible so I accept that logic, but I'm ready to start seeing some results from my attempts. I just need a shred of evidence that I'm on the right track to keep pushing my boulder up my mountain, but right now, its heavy and my arms are tired.

Not to end on a sour note, I'm alone in my house for a week and plan to "fall-ify" it with fun Pinterest projects and new curtains.

Labor Day at the Beach

Noah took me on vacation for labor day weekend. I'm telling you this because I feel the need to provide and excuse as to why, after barely starting to create a routine for my blog, I didn't make a list of interesting links.

To make up for my oversight, I present to you the highlights of my mini vacation.

#5. The hotel was lovely.  There were slightly overgrown gardens with fountains gurgling and the warm, end-of-summer scent, something like magnolia blossoms and honeysuckle, hanging in the air.

#4. I love riding in the car with Noah. We've taken lots of road trips in our time together, and I feel safe with him behind the wheel, teasing each other and being excited about what adventure lies ahead.

#3. Spending time with Noah's family and their friends. His sister was having a Labor Day cookout and we were welcomed with cold drinks and a huge feast of classic grill fodder. After, we played Mad Gabs outside, surrounded by citronella tiki torches to keep the mosquitoes away. It was fun to hang out with Noah's siblings without parental supervision. I think its the first time that's happened.

#2. A sneaky moonlight swim in the empty pool with Noah back at the hotel.

It was even prettier at night.

#1. The afternoon at the beach.  I still have sand on my toes as I write this. There is something so calming to me about the ocean. Its probably just a vitamin D boost  but I feel pretty great.